


Love Sickness

by grethan-allmance (Sapphire09)



Series: Grethan Drabbles [19]
Category: The Dolan Twins, Youtube RPF
Genre: Denial, Grethan, Incest, M/M, Pining, Romance, Twincest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-04-21 09:01:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22059700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sapphire09/pseuds/grethan-allmance
Summary: Grayson has a dazzling smile.To be honest, he always has. But, one day, Ethan just noticed how his smile seemed to brighten everything around him. It was like fireworks and sparkles and sunlight, and Ethan had found himself unable to look away. His heart skipped and raced, stumbling and stuttering out of his control.That was probably when Ethan first realized the existence of his sickness.Should've, anyway.*+ extra chapter.
Relationships: Ethan Dolan & Grayson Dolan, Ethan Dolan/Grayson Dolan
Series: Grethan Drabbles [19]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1276412
Comments: 19
Kudos: 61





	1. Chapter 1

Grayson has a dazzling smile.

To be honest, he always has. But, one day, Ethan just noticed how his smile seemed to brighten everything around him. It was like fireworks and sparkles and sunlight, and Ethan had found himself unable to look away. His heart skipped and raced, stumbling and stuttering out of his control.

That was probably when Ethan first realized the existence of his sickness.

Should've, anyway. After all, hindsight is 20/20, and all that.

(At that time, in that exact moment, Ethan had only raised a hand against his chest, confused and overly-concerned if he was having a heart attack in the tender age of 13, almost 14. He did not, but he did wonder if he was having an allergic reaction to the fish he had for lunch instead.)

* * *

Ethan avoided fish in general after that weird reaction he had for a while, but since the symptoms lingered anyway he figured it probably wasn't the fish that made him sick. His stomach would still feel like butterflies were swarming in it out of nowhere, his heart would go all crazy at weird times, and the only thing they all have in common were they all happened in the vicinity of Grayson.

Even so, he still didn't realize what was happening since he didn't really go anywhere or do anything without Grayson anyway, so he didn't connect the dots until it was all too late.

Instead, he blamed the almonds and walnuts Cameron gave him and called it a day.

* * *

He didn't get better, but that was probably because Cameron kept sneaking almonds into his food. She likes almonds, so does Grayson, and pretty much everyone in his family, so sometimes he'll eat them by mistake, despite his caution. The fact that no one of his family seems to believe the existence of his actual, legitimate allergy (the doctor might say he doesn't have such allergy, but he knows his body best. He has it, for sure!) doesn't help. 

Also, since Cameron would sometimes make Grayson her accomplice, Ethan was sure she sneaked almonds or nuts in his food when his twin would grin this wide, bright grin that shows all his annoyingly straight teeth, because then Ethan's heart would race and his stomach would flip. He'll feel like he'll puke while also wanting to jump and hold that grin in his hands. 

It was a weird imagery, but that was probably the allergy getting into his head. Cameron really needs to stop teasing Ethan about his food allergies or he will actually get a complex, if he hasn't already.

There was also the pooling heat in his stomach whenever he noticed Grayson's arm was on his shoulders too long, when his face came too close as he whispered a silly secret that belongs only to them both and when Grayson cuddled up to him at night and woke Ethan up. It was an uncomfortable feeling and Ethan would like it all to end, despite also feeling tingly and soft about it.

Grayson needs to learn personal space is a thing and Ethan's space is _sacred_. The heat was his annoyance and he was _annoyed _at having his space intruded. That's _all_.

He's just being a good brother when he let it happen, even touching back because that's what Grayson likes and it makes him feel better if he was feeling down. His smiles got brighter and his laughter got louder and Ethan thought he was just being the best brother in the world. It was a great feeling, worth every discomfort, honestly.

Grayson is just too simple sometimes and making him happy is too easy.

* * *

Ethan really thought he was just having a lot of digestive problems and allergies to various food. Grayson called him picky, but he thought he just has a very particular taste. In his mind, he'd call that being _refined_.

"Your favourite food is pineapple pizza and pancakes," Grayson deadpanned. Ethan shrugged in reply.

"Pineapple pizza is the fucking best, no cap. Besides, you love them, too."

Grayson rolled his eyes even as he took another slice of the pineapple pizza Ethan ordered for them both. Ethan thought his point was pretty sound. No other food beats pineapple pizza, period.

"Oh, shit—" Ethan heard Grayson cursed. He looked back up to Grayson in reflex and saw that some of the sauce was dripping from the pizza Grayson was holding, from his palm down to his wrist and to his elbow. Grayson lifted his elbow, tongue out, trying to lick the sauce dripping down his skin.

For some reason, Ethan's face heated up as a flash of an unexplainable heat gathered in his stomach and between his legs. His heart raced and he hastily threw the paper napkins beside him at Grayson.

"_Ew_, don't do that!" Ethan whisper-yelled. "You're being disgusting! Don't lick it! We're in a fucking restaurant!"

Grayson rolled his eyes again, exasperated, but accepted the paper towels and wiped down his forearm with it, grumbling about being wasteful. Grayson continued eating his slice after his arm was clean, but Ethan's heart won't stop being weird and his stomach was also feeling a little under the weather.

_Disgust, _Ethan told himself. _It was disgusting and I was annoyed because Grayson was embarrassing me for being a messy eater._

_He should also stop licking his fingers after eating with his hands. It's disgusting._

_...My skinny jeans are tight and I'm a growing boy, it's normal. I just need to start getting a bigger one._

_It's fucking normal, and Grayson better stop licking his finger, or_—

Ethan ended up kicking Grayson's shin under the table, _hard, _to stop Grayson from his persistent finger-licking. Grayson glared, Ethan whisper-scolded, Grayson grumbled and kicked back, and Ethan ended up with a bruise on his leg because Grayson doesn't know to limit his strength, the fucking _Hulk_.

But, the finger-licking and arm-licking and any kind of licking stopped and Ethan also stopped feeling weird, so the kicking apparently works like a charm. Grayson also felt bad about Ethan's bruise and gave him the last slice of the pizza, so that was great, too.

Then, of course, something Ethan said made Grayson smile again and Ethan's stomach did another somersault.

_...If I end up having an allergy to a fucking pineapple pizza, I'm gonna kill someone. Fucking allergies._

* * *

In hindsight, the signs were all there. Ethan just didn't want to see it.

To be honest, he still doesn't want to. If he can, he would like to bury his head back in the sand and pretend all he was feeling was caused by weird _allergies_. Or something else, anything else, that doesn't involve him being in lo—

_(Nope.)_

Anyway, over time, the strange symptoms eventually fade, which cemented the thought that they were all just symptoms of his allergies. A small part of him already knew it wasn't that, but he also wasn't ready to acknowledge that part was right. After all, if they weren't weird reactions to his allergy, then—

_(No, no. That can't be. I'm not. I can't—)_

On the other hand, it's been years. He's not 14 anymore, but older. Of legal age, on his way towards being an actual _adult_. It's likely he's just got used to the weird feeling, as one gets used to things they've been living with for years.

(One doesn't get used to allergy, he knew, but Ethan avoided thinking about that.)

Of course, just because his heart doesn't race every time Grayson as much as smiled anymore (he still feels the fluffy, warm feeling in his chest, but at least his heart doesn't feel like he was having arrhythmia), doesn't mean his problems were gone.

Ethan could've handled having _feelings_ for Grayson. He's been handling it. After all, it is what it is. He thought he's been handling it, the best way he possibly can. His heart doesn't trip anymore (unless Grayson smiled a very particular smile, the smile Ethan felt reserved just for himself because he hasn't seen Grayson smiling like _that _with other people) and his stomach stopped having butterflies (the time when Grayson fell asleep on his lap doesn't count, he was caught unprepared and Grayson hadn't been able to sleep well for days and Ethan didn't have the heart to wake him because _fuck it, stop_—)

_(Allergies, so many allergies.)_

Anyway, Ethan has been handling it. He also thinks he was doing well with handling it. _Really _well, considering.

It was wanting to fuck him that was becoming a bigger problem.

(Even he can't convince himself that the way his dick was reacting was caused by an _allergy_.)

It was harder to ignore the temptation when Grayson is a fucking little exhibitionist that knows no shame, especially around Ethan. He's too fucking comfortable, thinking that getting naked around Ethan was an _okay, proper thing to do._ Like they were still 6 and still taking their bath together, playing around in water and bubbles and when it was somewhat okay for them to run around the house naked and wet.

Grayson still runs around the house naked and wet, and it _annoys _Ethan.

Ethan wished his twin would have some consideration for his sense of propriety, or at least have a bit of shame as he does with either Cameron or their mom.

(It's not Ethan's fault that his dick doesn't understand that everything Grayson showed was nothing Ethan had never seen before and something it shouldn't get excited over. Seriously, not his _fault_.)

Grayson is also a touchy guy that likes to get all over people that is willing to put up with his touchiness. Most of the time, that person is Ethan, because they live together and they're _twins_. So, Grayson gets all over Ethan a lot, sometimes even while naked, despite Ethan's _annoyance_.

(When Grayson licked Ethan's finger for a video, Ethan was supposed to only find it disgusting and cringy and his brain isn't supposed to think of other scenarios that have his fingers inside Grayson's mouth. Also, Grayson trying to pose sexily was supposed to look ridiculous and funny, and Ethan wasn't supposed to find that actually sexy and his dick wasn't supposed to get excited over that either.)

So really, when Ethan ended up needing some kind of distance from Grayson to keep himself sane and _good_, his twin has himself to blame. He was doing his best to be a _good _brother and Grayson was really challenging his reason with all of _him._

(Seriously. Grayson's fault. Everything is Grayson's fault. _Everything_.)

Then, of course, because Grayson is clingy and gets lonely easily, he gets all sad and sulky by the distance Ethan was trying to have, then Ethan gets all guilty and clumsy, then both of them gets all prideful and annoyed and angry. Then, later, someone will crack a stupid joke they both laughed at and then things get fine again before Ethan felt more stirring in his groin that reminded him to get that fucking _distance._

Rinse, repeat.

Eventually, it gets old. Ethan could see it every time Grayson's fuse seems to get shorter and shorter. Until, one day, the _blow-up._

"What the fuck is going on with you!?" Grayson yelled, after the umpteenth time of Ethan trying to avoid Grayson. It was a yell of frustration, also hurt.

Ethan doesn't feel guilty when he frustrates Grayson. He does that anyway, both accidentally and purposely, and riling Grayson up was already like a daily entertainment for him. Grayson was cute when he got all riled up and huffing and angry. 

(A lot of people doesn't agree with him, but those people don't know Grayson, so they can just fuck off.)

Now, the hurt though, _that _he feels guilty for.

Seriously, Grayson looked almost like he was going to cry.

_Shit._

"Nothing's going on!" Ethan insisted, his brain already spinning in trying to find a way out of the room and the conversation. "What makes you think something was going on?"

"I don't know!" Grayson yelled again. "It just, I feel it! It's like you're far away and I don't like it!"

Ethan, like the asshole that he is, couldn't help replying with "But, I'm right here?"

Grayson frowned harder, glaring more at Ethan and _fuck, please don't actually cry._

"That's not what I meant, you ass! You're keeping a distance from me and I wanna know why!"

Again, because Ethan was an asshole, he pointedly glanced at the space between them, which is barely even a foot apart, and said, "What distance?"

Ethan would deserve the hit to his head, but at the same time, Ethan also didn't want the pain so he dodged out of the way when he saw it coming. He didn't manage to dodge the second, third, and fourth hit though. So, _ow._

"Seriously Eth, what's going on?"

"Nothing!" Ethan insisted again as he rubbed his head. Grayson really doesn't hesitate in hurting him and he wondered why he has caught _feelings _for this man.

_Ha. Caught feelings. That's funny._

"Please Ethan, talk to me," Grayson said, softer now. He looked pleading, all sad eyes and Ethan doesn't know what to do with _that look._

_Shit. Fuck._

"Look, I don't know what you want me to say here," Ethan kept deflecting, "I really have nothing to tell you."

_Besides I want to fuck you, kiss you, and date you, in whatever order you want, whichever you're willing to do. Also, I really wanna keep you mine and just mine forever, fuck society, but I think you'll hate me for it and I can't handle that. _

Ethan isn't crazy enough to actually admit all that, though.

"E, please," more pleading look, _fuck, is he actually crying?_"I don't know what's going on in your head. You've been distancing yourself from me and I have no idea why. Are you sick of me? Like, for real?" 

Ethan caught the way Grayson's voice cracked a little when he asked that. They've joked a lot before about getting sick of each other and sometimes, they would mean it, especially when they had a fight. But, they never sounded like how Grayson sounded.

_Soft. Fragile._

_Heartbroken._

"Gray, I'm not sick of you!" _Exactly the opposite, in fact. _"Seriously, nothing's going on. Are you sure you're not just feeling a bit too sensitive today?"

Grayson's glare intensified even more, but at least Ethan wasn't seeing tears, so there's that. Grayson crying is scarier than Grayson being angry, in his personal opinion. His brother cries so rarely that Ethan never knew what to do when that happens besides wanting to cry too.

"I'm not being sensitive!" Grayson yelled out, frustrated. "I _know_ you, asshole. You're doing that thing again!"

"What thing?" Ethan asked, like an _idiot._

"That thing where you don't talk about shit until it blows up in your face!"

_Well, it's blowing up. And considering Grayson is right in front of him, that also covers 'in his face' part._

"That isn't a thing," Ethan retorted, knowing perfectly well he was just riling Grayson more. He couldn't help it, it was like, reflex. Though, he also wished Grayson would just stop pushing this and just get it already. If he keeps pushing on, Ethan felt he would do something really stupid, like kiss him or something. 

"It fucking is and you know that," Grayson snarled, pointed and annoyed. "Shit, E, can't you just talk to me? Please? Don't distance yourself from me. I know I nag a lot and annoy you a lot, and you're probably really sick of me already, but don't—"

Grayson had been yelling, but then the next part was said softly and Ethan wanted to scream because it's just so _unfair_.

"...don't push me away. Please."

Ethan was just trying to be a good brother. He was trying so hard. He was frustrated too. So fucking _frustrated. _

'_You don't know anything,'_ Ethan wanted to yell. _'You don't know, how much your brother lusts for you.'_

"Alright. Okay," Ethan started saying. He planned to spew some more bullshit, live up to the asshole-ish side of him and try to get Grayson to leave him _alone_. He'll apologize later, but he just needed space, now. But, Grayson had perked up, looking hopeful now and so. Fucking_. __Sincere_.Like there was nothing else he wanted besides listening to what Ethan has to say, what trouble he was having in his head. Ready to just be _there _for Ethan, no matter what the problem was. 

It wasn't a new look. That was honestly how Grayson usually looks whenever Ethan needed someone to listen to him. Ethan always loved that about Grayson. It gave him a warm feeling in his chest, giving him strength when the voices in his head got too loud, when he just needed to give voice to all the thoughts in his head and someone to listen without judgement. 

Only, that same look, this close, made Ethan long to kiss him too. Right on the lips. Just a peck. Or more than a peck. 

And, because Ethan is an absolute _idiot _that can't lie in front of _that _face, he voiced his desire without thinking.

"I want to kiss you."

**TBC**


	2. Chapter 2

_"I want to kiss you."_

Ethan is an _idiot_.

Though, the look of shock on Grayson's face was very amusing and funny. Ethan would've laughed if he wasn't freaking out. However, the frown and the disappointed look that comes after was kind of... Ethan couldn't really describe the feeling he has for that expression, besides _insulting_.

"Seriously, E? Stop joking around. That's not funny," Grayson said, and Ethan wondered if he should feel relieved that Grayson didn't take what he said seriously or despaired the fact that Grayson thought he was still deflecting when he had been completely honest. Before Ethan could either insist he wasn't joking or follow along and pretended it _was _a joke, Grayson sighed and stopped looking at Ethan with that disappointed look. Instead, Grayson started to look like he was trying to not look sad, but Ethan can see through it anyway_._

"If you still don't want to talk, fine. I'll stop pushing. At least, tell me why you were avoiding me. You _know _I hate it when you do that, man."

Grayson brushed off what Ethan said so easily and Ethan doesn't know why he felt offended. (_No, he wasn't hurt, he was __**offended**__.) _So, it was because he was _offended _that he said what he said next.

"Because I wanted to kiss you," Ethan said, feeling something like satisfaction by how Grayson looked surprised again, and continued on his speech before that look morphed into annoyance, relishing the escalation from surprise to back to the wide-eyed look of shock as Ethan kept on talking.

"Not just kiss, by the way. I also wanted to fuck you. I've been dreaming about your ass for a long fucking while. And your mouth. And your hand. Your dick too. Kind of everything, really. I also have been wondering for a while if you would moan the same as when I massaged your back that time. Made me so hard I had to run to the bathroom so you wouldn't feel it."

Grayson's face was red, now. Horrified, Ethan was sure. His eyes were wide and his lips were gaping, and Ethan had the strangest urge to shove his finger in there. The redness was probably because he was both embarrassed and angry, but Ethan would say he looked cute anyway, all red like that. _Funny. _There's no way Grayson can brush all that away as a joke.

Ethan also wondered if this is the moment he'll die, killed by his own twin brother. Literally and metaphorically.

His stomach has all twisted sickeningly the by the things he had said himself. His own horror had risen as he continued on speaking words that wouldn't stop coming out of his mouth. The relief of having all those secrets out in the open, at last, was eclipsed by the anxiety of having _those secrets _out in the _fucking open. _

When Grayson did nothing but gape at him, Ethan considered running away before Grayson got his mind back. Book an immediate flight to Australia, maybe. Or Dubai. He heard it was an interesting place. Anywhere far, really.

So, that was what he did. Run.

"Alright. Great talk. Bye," Ethan hastily said, turning around and trying his best to parse through his panic and fear to remember where the _fuck _did he put his phone and maybe book that flight, _ASAP._

His feet fast-walked towards his room as the first place that appeared in his mind. He hoped to _God _his phone is in there too, because he's not coming out of his room again, _ever_.

"Wha—? Wait, E—!"

Ethan thought Grayson might be trying to follow him, so he started genuinely running. Behind him, Grayson was yelling again, but _ha-ha, nope, too slow._ _Imma __yeet__ outta here._

Once he reached his room, he was about to close the door, lock it, throw away the key and live in his room for the rest of his life. He can keep ordering post mates and have them deliver straight to his window. But, Grayson already caught up to him and put his foot down, literally has his foot down inside, and not moving said foot when Ethan tried to close the door. Tried, because Grayson's foot was on the way and Ethan had slammed the door on it instead.

"What the fucking _fuck, _Gray!?" Ethan yelled out, quickly opening the door again because that must've hurt, if the yelp was any indication. Grayson wasn't wearing shoes and Ethan could see how it was swelling almost immediately, turning into a nasty purplish color. There was no blood, but the skin have scraped and there could be fracture because Ethan _slammed the fucking door_. Sure, Ethan managed to restrain himself at the last minute so he didn't actually slam it, but it still looks painful.

"Ow-ow-ow," Grayson groaned in pain, hopping on one foot as Ethan slung his twin's arm over his shoulder and helped him to sit on his bed. Ethan then bent down on his knees, trying to examine how bad it was. On a closer look, it doesn't look like Grayson will need hospital. Ethan was pretty sure they've had worse injuries before. It does look pretty painful, and there were bits of skin flapping around the injury that would sting like hell.

"Do you think you can walk on it?" Ethan asked as his hand hovered over the injured foot. Grayson hissed and his foot twitched away from Ethan when he lightly touched the swelling, but Ethan can't really tell if that means he can still walk on it.

"Maybe? I dunno," his brother answered unconvincingly. Ethan looked up to his twin's face, trying to determine if he was just putting a brave front or not. Grayson doesn't look like he was in a lot of pain, but he didn't either even when his head had split open and blood was dripping down his face, so not exactly a reliable way to gauge his fine-ness. However, Ethan did notice how the way Grayson was looking back at him was a little weird.

Right. There were those things he just said earlier. Grayson probably didn't feel comfortable with Ethan touching him now, or taking care of him. Ethan tried not to feel dejected. After all, he brought it to himself, saying all the shit he did.

There goes their brotherly relationship, down through the drain because Ethan was so fucking _stupid._

"Wait here, I'll get you some ice," he managed to say normally as he straightened up, subtly putting a little more distance between them. He tried not to look at Grayson anymore, not wanting to see more of that _weirdness_ on his face, in case that weirdness was actually carefully disguised _disgust_ Ethan doesn't want to see.

"Wait, E!" Grayson called back before Ethan could take one step away. Grayson's hand pulled at his, so of course Ethan has to turn his head and look, despite what he felt.

Not that he could see anything. His vision was immediately blocked by Grayson's face, suddenly appearing right in front of his own. His eyes were very close to his own, brown, brilliant, and _beautiful_. Then, those eyes disappeared beneath closed eyelids and long eyelashes, and there was something soft and warm pressing against his lips and Ethan really, _really, _can't think of anything beyond it.

Ethan would like to say his mind was waxing poetic on the softness of those lips, the taste at the tip of his tongue, maybe even on the way he could feel Grayson's soft, warm exhale, and wax more mental poetry on those sappy stuff.

That wasn't what happened.

Instead, the world had faded away while his mind blanked out and the kiss was over before Ethan's brain could catch up on what happened. He didn't even have time to savor it, commit the taste to his memory, or carve the feeling forever into his brain.

H_is brain __diconnected__,_ and his brain was still disconnected even after Grayson moved away and fell back to his sitting position, looking up at Ethan hopefully, hand still holding on to Ethan's wrist, though that expression slowly morphed into distress as Ethan kept on _blanking out_.

Ethan.exe wasn't responding and his brain was full of _What the fuck? WHAT the FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK?? JUST?? HAPPENED??_

"...E? Ethan. Eth, will you say something?" Grayson asked in concern. His hand loosened its grip around Ethan, feeling somewhat hesitant and somewhere in Ethan registered it as _something wrong, _but he also didn't have the mental capacity to fully understand it. Ethan blinked as he tried to remember... _What?_ _Did I just had a hallucination? Did the world just glitched? Did I?_

"ICE! You need ice! And I'm gonna get you that! Ice!" Ethan yelled out, because that's the one thing he knew for sure right now, because Grayson's foot is still swelling and all purple and Ethan needed to go _somewhere _because _Distraction! What! The Fuck! Just! Happened!?_

He snatched his hand away from Grayson's hesitant grip _(something wrong with that, why, what, can't think)_. He could barely hear Grayson, yelling "Wait!" And "Stop!" And "E, you asshole!". Dick move, he knew, but Ethan also needs his fucking space to think and Grayson's _everything_ is really hindering Ethan's ability to think clearly. Though, the space doesn't really help much, because now, as he stood in front of the open freezer, Ethan also wanted to shove his head into it and cursed himself for being a _bitch _and _running away_.

_'I should've just went and kissed him back,' _he lamented, knocking his stupid head to the freezer door repeatedly. _'What if it was just a one time thing? Shit. Who the fuck runs away after being kissed, especially when I clearly said I wanted to kiss him? Why am I so lame??'_

_'...Fuck, I can't even remember how it feels, so unfair???'_

When Ethan returned to his room with ice and the first aid kit, Grayson was still sitting on Ethan's bed, looking significantly more dejected than when Ethan left him. He wouldn't even meet Ethan's eyes. Ethan would blame his not-so-secret-anymore, somewhat-repressed weakness for Grayson and now, his kiss, for what came out of his mouth next.

"The kiss was too fast."

There was something whiny in his tone and Ethan felt like he should run back to the fridge and maybe do his best to fit himself in there, cool his head. Or freeze it, since his brain was doing nothing to help him besides glitching anyway. When Grayson looked up at him, looking confused, and asking "What?" in his incredulous voice, Ethan seriously wondered what the hell was wrong with him. This is just stupid _Grayson_.

How can he be even less smooth with _Grayson? _Loud, annoying, _beautiful—_

_Fuck._

Ethan decided to kneel down to one knee and intent on start taking care of Grayson's foot instead. He can't possibly mess _that _up. "Give me your foot," he mumbled out as he readied the ice and the first aid kit, feeling heat rising up to his face, wondering if he's red to his ears and wishing the ground will just swallow him already.

"What? No, my foot isn't important right now," Grayson moved his foot away just as Ethan was reaching for it, grimacing when the movement was clearly painful. Grayson was undeterred though, quickly moving on to asking, "What did you mean, 'the kiss was too fast'? What— How am I supposed to take that?"

Ethan huffed at the foot and reached for it again, this time holding on tighter when Grayson tried to move his foot away again, tight enough that Grayson yelped in pain when he tried to force it out of Ethan's grip.

"Shut up," Ethan mumbled again, feeling his face burning even as he forced Grayson's foot to stay in place as he sprayed disinfectant on it, bandaged it, and wrapped some ice to press on it. This, he's pretty good at. He can do this with his eyes closed, probably. He might be bad with.... everything else, but this, he's good at this.

"Ethan," Grayson called again, his tone softer. Vulnerable. Almost scared, if Ethan heard right. "Don't joke. What did you mean?"

"I meant— It was too fast, okay. I didn't, like, have time to... I dunno. Process it. I blanked out, alright? I needed time, to like, process."

"...Okay," Grayson said dubiously, not really understanding what Ethan was trying to say. "So.... What now?"

Ethan groaned, sure now that his face was redder than a freaking tomato.

"_Lemmekissyou_," Ethan mumbled out almost inaudibly, embarrassed as hell and afraid Grayson already changed his mind about the kissing. Because, well. Ethan couldn't be lamer, could he? Another moment of silence seemed to stretch out and Ethan wanted to _die_.

"Wait...," Grayson said, his tone firmer and less hesitant, "Is this you being shy? Are you—are you _shy_? Seriously? After telling me all of those things?"

The incredulous-ness in Grayson's tone was noted and Ethan wished he could just fall down a black hole and hide.

"Oh shut up and let me kiss you!" Ethan tried to sound confident, _assertive_, but his red face probably still showed his embarrassment and it was likely he failed at that. _Assertive—ha! Comedy_.

He still feel flustered, unsure that Grayson would let him, now. He _knows _how lame Ethan can be in romantic situation. His twin has made fun of him for that often enough. Only, this time, he's the one on the other end of Ethan's 'romantic' affections. Really, what exactly did Grayson expect?

(Ethan himself refused to believe he's this bad. This is—_fuck_, this is _Grayson_. He has too much to _lose_.)

Grayson's expression turned more humourous, even _fond_, and he giggled as he leaned his face forward, looking up expectantly at Ethan with a small smile. "Okay," he said, like it was that easy. Ethan was a little startled by the easy agreement, even though he should've expected that. Grayson did kiss him first.

_(That actually happened, right? It must have. It got to. _Right_?)_

His heart raced so fast he was actually wondering if he was on the brink of having a heart attack. Then, Grayson raised an eyebrow when Ethan was still too busy overthinking what the fuck he should do now. Like, _how do I kiss him? Which way should I turn my face? Lips, where's my lips?_

"I'm waiting," Grayson teased, and_ years _of sibling rivalry made Ethan hear it as a challange, and, well. Grayson _is_ waiting.

_Fuck it._ _ Here goes nothing._

Ethan leaned down, closed his eyes and pressed his lips against Grayson's waiting pair. Ethan was proud of the fact he didn't faint, since he felt light-headed at that moment. His chest was warm and felt like it would explode open sometime soon, heart racing and also feeling like he would vomit rainbows or something. Not exactly a comfortable feeling, Ethan _hated _vomiting, but he's also kissing Grayson, so he doesn't want to stop.

All in all, kiss was thousands time better than the previous one because this time, Ethan can actually remember it, the softness of Grayson's lips and the soft giggle he let out. Feel it, process it, and actually responding to it. Then, Grayson made it even better when his hand grabbed onto Ethan's shoulder and pulled him closer, deepening the kiss. They both fell down on Ethan's bed, still kissing, and that's even _better._ Then, there was a hint of tongue, which probably should've alarmed Ethan, but they were _kissing.  
_

Ethan didn't think he would actually be fine with Grayson's tongue inside his mouth, tracing his teeth and tasting cautiously, carefully exploring his new territory. Then again, he never thought they would ever get to kissing, so who the fuck cares what past-him thought. Present-Ethan wanted to explore that mouth back, taste more of Grayson, have his turn on exploring this new thing he can do and given permission to do, and just keep going.

(Lips on warm flesh, Grayson's scent so close to his nose, the low moan Grayson let out and Ethan could feel the vibration on his lip, mirrored in his own throat.)

Breathing is overrated at this point, especially with how much he didn't want to get his mouth off Grayson's, but they also need air to be able to keep kissing. When Ethan begrudgingly pulled back slightly, breathing like he had just run a marathon across Los Angeles, Grayson let out a soft whine and swayed to follow Ethan's leaving lips. He thought the sound, the gesture, was _sinful_. His dick certainly agreed. Then again, his dick was already embarrassingly too excited just by the kiss, so maybe it is really just Grayson.

The sight of Grayson, the way he looked just as breathless as Ethan felt, made something in his heart jump and flip. He looked like he wanted this as much as Ethan does. Never, not until how many minutes ago, Ethan thought this was possible.

Ethan had held off his feelings for so long, held his head down in the sand and denied himself of any kind of hope, and he's still scared as _fuck_. But, the way Grayson smiled softly, just breathing with their forehead pressed together, Grayson's arms around Ethan's shoulder, made Ethan stupid with all the _feeling_.

So, Ethan leaned down again, pressing his lips to Grayson's jaw. Grayson giggled breathlessly, turning his head to give Ethan easier access, so Ethan pushed and moved downwards with more confidence and letting loose all his _wants_.

He can, now. He _can._

And Grayson was _smiling_. He looks as happy as Ethan felt, like this was everything he wanted too.

Ethan isn't alone in his _sickness_.

He doesn't know yet, what this will mean for both of them. He doesn't want to think about it. All he cares about is this; the heart beat he can feel beating under his palm, chasing after his own. The wanton moan in his ears, answered in kind in his own throat. The forbidden taste in his lips, on his tongue, the taste he can't un-know.

And then later, _later, _he would know how Grayson looks when he _breaks, _tears on his cheeks and Ethan's name on his lips, and he knew he will live with the sickness forever.

_After all, how can he ever let go, when he knows now how sweetly Grayson can call his name?_

** _END_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n: Ha. Smut. What was I thinking? I should stop pretending like I know my own story. Ughh.My initial thought was like this:  
'Hmm Pining Ethan. Stupid Ethan. Denial Ethan. Stubborn Grayson. Ha cute. Possible smut? Yass'
> 
> And then it went like 'ha lol angssstttt, more stupid, kissesss kissyy kiss gooooooo' and surprise somewhat-maybe-sadist Ethan.
> 
> Yeah, I'm inconsistent.
> 
> Also, I actually thought of this as more like the quick, non-slow-burn version of Ain't Nobody (Loves Me Better) since Ethan's struggles are kind of the same, then I remember that slow-burn still has a long way to go before reaching anywhere near this part and I can see how this feels more like the inverted, non-hanahaki version of Flowers Blooming in Your Lungs.
> 
> Also, of course, every time someone ran to their room because of Repressed Feelings TM, the other gets injured.
> 
> Let's just say at this point my fanfics have a Pattern.
> 
> Also, if the ending was a bit rushed, because it kind of was. There was some more stupid, Grayson playing a bit hard to get, not too hard though, and a date and it got too long and felt like it was losing the point and this part would have another 5-6k words or so and I kind of didn't want to write it. Maybe I'll add it as a bonus someday, if I decide to continue what I had written before. Hope you enjoyed this late (very, very late) update!


	3. Extra/Outtake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n: There wasn't much point to this scene, but it was cute and I like it too much not to share. Half of this was what I first wrote for the ending, before I decided to change it and just keep it short, since I felt like I lost its thread somewhere and I also felt this was too long and kind of extra for the story, so it's here as an outtake/extra. Enjoy!
> 
> Starts off sometime during the kiss-fest from the last chapter, around the jaw-kissing.

Ethan's lips traced a trail down to Grayson's neck, to his shoulder. Ethan lamented that of course, this is the time when Grayson wears a shirt instead of going around the house shirtless and shit, torturing Ethan with the view, can touch but _can't touch_. Now that Ethan can do _this_, actually give in to his stupidity, Grayson isn't fucking _shirtless, why._

Because Ethan is impulsive, especially when he's been given an inch, he'll take the fucking mile. So, he just grabbed the front of Grayson's shirt and _pulled_, fully intent on ripping it off Grayson. Unfortunately, the shirt is of good quality, thick, and doesn't rip very easily, so all he did was stretch the collar a bit and jerked Grayson up. His head almost hit Ethan's, so maybe that was a bad idea and Ethan was a bit disappointed. Ripping clothes off Grayson had been somewhat a fantasy for him, here and there, ever since that time he did it without much thought since he didn't want to be the only one that looked ridiculous, wearing a shirt with a sleeve just hanging empty. It was fun. Kind of hot, too. And _savage_. Though the fantasy was usually reserved for the moments when Grayson wore a shirt that seemed to just offend Ethan's sense of aesthetic. Right now, he just wanted more skin to explore.

Since he can, now. Explore. Hands, lips, _tongue_, he _can._

"What the fuck—" Grayson yelped when he was suddenly being jerked up. He clutched at the shirt Ethan was still trying to pull off him, resisting while blinking up at Ethan and looking adorably confused and cutely alarmed. On Ethan's bed.

"Wait! You're stretching—Ethan! What the fuck?! I like this shirt, don't ruin it!"

"Why is the one time I can do something, you're not already shirtless?" Ethan asked indignantly, whining again. "Why are you wearing a shirt _now?"_

"You're the one that always complained about it!"

"Well, take it off now, then! I can't rip it!"

"_Rip it_—You could've just asked instead of pulling at my shirt like a barbarian!"

"I'm asking now!"

"Wow, can you be more romantic? I think I just swooned" Grayson's sarcastic, deadpan reply and the roll of his eyes were _annoying, _despite the fact that Grayson was right under him, still slightly blushing and on his bed_, _not pushing him away or anything, but still having a protective hand on his stupid shirt_. _It was like Grayson wasn't getting the mood, with Ethan obviously on top of him and caging him down and everything. He'd think getting rid of the shirt would be the obvious next step, _Mr. Casanova._

_(Or, maybe Grayson isn't ready to take that step yet? In which case, all right. The kissing is honestly great, Ethan loves it. He's totally okay with that. He still has his hand anyway.)_

It was annoying. Grayson is _annoying_. So annoying that Ethan had to kiss those stupid lips again. Because _that _he can do_._

"You're annoying," he grumbled against those soft lips, still wishing his hands can trace over bare skin instead of clutching uselessly on the stupid _shirt. _He could feel Grayson's incredulous laughter over his lips and it turned his heart into a fucking _summer day_, what the _hell_. His heart was all sunlight and warmth and the motherfucking _sea, with tides, _how is that _possible_?

"At least give me dinner and a movie first," Grayson said while Ethan was busy kissing what exposed skin Grayson's has now, mirth in his voice. "I'd like at least a little bit of cheesy romance, you know. I'm not easy."

Ethan paused his kissing and glanced up, seeing a little bit insecurity in Grayson's teasing smile. He pondered, though honestly he was already planning to give Grayson all the cheesiest romance that Grayson would likely cringe by all the _cheese_. He was already planning to be the ultimate Goals boyfriend, cheese notwithstanding.

"I thought beach date and surfing is your ideal first date?" Ethan had to ask, lips returning to trailing lazy kisses, since Grayson wasn't doing anything to stop him. In fact, he seemed to do his best to accommodate Ethan, just not the shirt part.

The shirt is really starting to offend Ethan's _delicate sensibility_, honestly.

"Yeah, but I don't think I can surf with my foot—_nnghhh_." Grayson cut off with a moan when Ethan's lips reached to a spot under his ear, shivering again. Seriously, Ethan felt like this can become a new favorite pastime of his. This is _fun_.

Also, Ethan can totally do a dinner and movie date.

"Sushi good?" Ethan muttered to Grayson's jaw, feeling more of that moan again. Ethan really wanted to know how loud Grayson can moan. He's sure he had heard Grayson moan louder before, over... something.

"Foot, E. Don't wanna go out."

Ethan frowned. Then, how the fuck...

Oh.

_Ohhhhh_, the sly little _shit_...

Ethan straightened up, actually somewhat annoyed now, and he's sure it shows clearly on his face because Grayson grinned. He can't grin like that, not while looking flushed and on Ethan's bed and sufficiently kissed, with Ethan still straddling him. That grin makes it harder on Ethan to stay rightly annoyed.

"You want me to cook for you, don't you, you little shit?"

"Yep," Grayson said cheekily. He can't be cheeky, damn it. Ethan wanted to kiss him again when he's being cheeky. _Fuck_.

"...Fine," Ethan glared, pressing another kiss to Grayson's lips. Grayson giggled again, _damn it, _so Ethan kissed him again.

"It's going to be the best—" _kiss _"—_fucking_—" _kiss _"—dinner, you—" _kiss "—cheeky fuck," kiss._

Grayson laughed, he needs to stop laughing, damn it. "Is this how it's gonna be?" he asked between laughter, "You're gonna kiss me when you get annoyed?"

"Yep," Ethan answered, just as cheekily, challenging Grayson to disagree. "What are you gonna do about it?"

Grayson just laughed again and Ethan felt like he just won an argument. He's not sure what exactly he had won, but it felt good anyway, so _ha, I win._

* * *

Ugh, groceries," Ethan groaned, already dreading the trip. He _hated _grocery shopping. There was a reason why he made Grayson do it. He hated how he can't seem to find anything he wanted, needing to circle the place at least twice to actually find one thing, also the waiting in line, how there never seem to be enough cashier open for the amount of people shopping.

It's a boring routine and Ethan hates it.

He's also going to make the best dinner ever, so some effort is warranted. Including the grocery trip. Also, more kisses is always good for his motivation.

(Kisses, _Grayson's_ _kisses_, can be his motivation now. What even is his life? He's not mad, though. He's _giddy._)

The dinner takes all of Ethan's patience and at least his two first attempts burnt off, but somehow the end result managed to look (and taste) good and Ethan was proud of it. He even arranged the dinner table for a romantic, candlelit dinner, with candles and a pretty, fake, table flower and classy tablecloth, plus napkins! He also folded the napkins in neat squares, all classy-like.

_There's no way Grayson wouldn't be impressed_, he thought smugly.

Grayson did get impressed. He also looked very pleasantly surprised by the food, _ha! It's fucking delicious and I'm a fucking Master Chef, take that!_

"You underestimate me too much, Grayson," Ethan said smugly, and kissed him.

"You kiss me when you're annoyed and you kiss me when I praise you. Are you going to kiss me every time whatever happens?" Grayson asked, laughing again_._

_"You _kissed me first," Ethan replied childishly, because Grayson _did_. The incredulous snort offended Ethan, so this time he bit Grayson's skin, since his kisses were going unappreciated.

"_Ow! _What the_—nngggh! _Oh my _gosh, Ethan_!"

"What? I made dinner!" he retorted. It was a delicious dinner too, very romantic and there was no way to mistake it as a family dinner. It was a fucking _date. _Ethan even put on romantic music on speaker, so it feels even more like a date. Grayson had blushed prettily too, all pink and embarrassed and _cute._

"Haven't got my movie yet," Grayson retorted, the stubborn bastard. He thought he was one-upping Ethan, but joke on him, Ethan came _prepared_.

Oh, he was _prepared._

"...The Notebook?"

Ethan grinned smugly, arms thrown in the air towards the scene he had prepared. Soft, fluffy blanket, wide enough for two, at the couch facing the tv with the coffee table all dolled up with more candle and flowers, also a bowl of pop corn (_vegan_!) was ready on the table because they were watching a _movie_. The TV was set to play The Notebook, the most romantic movie he can think of. He even set the mood-light to _pink, _because _romance!_

Ethan does not half ass his date, especially when it's _Grayson. _Granted, he never thought he can date Grayson before, but hey, he _can _now, so fuck it, he wasn't going to half-ass _anything._

"The Notebook," Ethan confirmed, all smug and proud.

"...Haven't we watched it already? _You _watched it a couple of times, including with me!"

"Yes, but it's a _date, _Gray. I can't think of any other romantic movie I know you'll like. Now, c'mon! It's a date! Cuddle with me!"

Ethan technically dragged Grayson to the couch, though he would insist he was just helping Grayson, hurt foot and all. Just because he didn't give Grayson any other choice besides the prepared, romantic couch, doesn't mean he was dragging him. Then, Ethan settled himself beside Grayson, opening himself for some cuddle time and looking at Grayson with full expectation. Even in the dim light, Grayson's raised, incredulous eyebrows were perfectly visible, as well as the incredulous smile.

Seriously, Grayson should stop being all incredulous already and just admit Ethan was totally being one hundred percent Relationship Goals boyfriend_—_and brother.

(It is possible he probably should feel weirder than he does, but tonight he doesn't want to care about that yet. He's having a _date, damn it._)

Despite all of his incredulous looks, Grayson looked perfectly happy to settle even closer beside Ethan, even putting Ethan's arm around his shoulder himself and shuffle more to Ethan's side. He even looks kind of puffed up, like he was getting away with something, though Ethan has no idea what. Doesn't matter though. With Grayson all ready and cuddled up, all Ethan has to do was start the movie and finally get the 'movie' part of the date started.

The date ended with both of them sleeping on top of each other, cuddled up together under the fluffy blanket, the movie have long since finished. The light of the candle have already been snuffed out in the middle of the movie and the empty bowl was sitting on the table.

Later, when morning comes, Grayson would wake up first and smiled at the reminder of the most perfect date he ever has in his life. Who cares that they literally just stayed home and technically were just having a movie night and a homemade dinner. Ethan did his best to be romantic, and it _was_, and it was _perfect._

Ethan, who would wake up later, would wake without Grayson in his arms and lamented his lameness for falling asleep before the date ended. After all, who the fuck fell asleep in the middle of a date? Where was his goodnight kiss? The shy smile of a perfect date? _The romance at the end of the night!_

He does get his good morning kiss, and a shirtless (and pantless, this is _important_) Grayson, so the lamenting doesn't last for long. In fact, he figured he was the King of Date-planning, since Grayson was obviously very satisfied of his 'dinner and movie' date.

Next, the beach date. He has _ideas__, _one in particular involves a naked Grayson and lots of suntan oil. He can't wait and he's giddy because he can _indulg_e now.

Who knows planning dates can be so much fun?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/n: this part is 1000% self-indulgent and I just wanna write more cute shit. Another reason why this didn't feel right as part 2 was because this is more like a detail, like a story within the story. So yeah. Hope you enjoyed this extra bit!
> 
> Hidden angst, a.k.a. more detail I thought of as I typed in this story but couldn't write into the story besides in subtle hints: Ethan doesn't really like planning dates himself since whoever he was dating usually won't have much fun as him if he plans it and he can't seem to do anything right with them, since he can only think in what he likes, so he usually just let his date do what they want, since he wants them happy. But he usually won't have much fun in turn and inevitably sometime in the date he would wish he has Grayson with him just so he won't be so bored, before remembering he probably shouldn't think about his brother when he's on a date.
> 
> Planning a date with Grayson as his date 100% changed his stance on dates because it's Grayson.

**Author's Note:**

> A/n: This is probably 2 parts at most and there's probably smut at the 2nd one. I think. Lol I'll set the rating after that. Also, this is probably the most cliche I ever cliche'd and I'm kinda dying lmao. Ethan in denial feels like a common theme, for some reason. I hope you didn't get bored since I find writing this Ethan really fun lol. 
> 
> Happy New Year, everyone!


End file.
